This photo pretty much defines me at this point. It's been 3 weeks and 1 day since Justin turned 16...and started driving. As much as I was looking forward to having the "help" of another driver in the family - nothing can prepare you for that punch in the stomach that comes when watching your first born drive away the first time... alone... without you. Off into the world where, even if I think I know where he is and what he's doing - I really DON'T. I know he's a good driver, and I completely trust him (I think...lol). And to make matters worse - Jake is right behind him... he'll be getting his driving permit in a couple of weeks and soon I'll have TWO. But that's not it. It's just the continuing realization that my boys are growing up... and I'm getting older. That's the hard part, really, I think... I'm getting older. OLD is an ugly word. It's definitely part of OLDer. I don't like it.... hate it, as a matter of fact. I know I should get over it. I turned 40 over 5 months ago, for goodness sake. But I'm not anywhere near getting over it. It just gets worse every day, it seems. Just when I think I'm finally getting a grip, some other horror dawns on me... like the fact that my baby will start Middle School in the fall. Of course THAT means no more Elementary School class parties... he doesn't need a "room mother" anymore; no more Christmas Programs to video tape; no more "little kid" stuff at all. Its over. And I loved every minute of it...not ready for it to end. The mail brings more heartache nearly every day - Justin is already getting pummelled with College recruiting mail. COLLEGE? Isn't he a bit young for that? No... he'll officially be a Junior in 7 days. How could that be??? How did that happen? It's like everything I know and love is in a complete landslide headed toward... what? Old? I'm afraid that's it. The whole year after I turned 39 was like being on a high-speed train racing toward the brick wall of FORTY. Everyone told me it wasn't a big deal. They were WRONG. How can it not be a big deal when it just brings me that much closer to my babies growing up and leaving home? How is it ok to be leaving behind the very things that DEFINE me? Forty STINKS... but it gets even worse. It doesn't stop! Every day I'm even OLDER than the day before. Yes, I know this is happening to everyone everywhere every day... but the realization of it is horrible! I can't stop it. Every night when I go to bed, and pick up my book or magazine to read for a bit - I notice that my eyesight, which until very recently has been PERFECT...is not so perfect anymore. Soon I will need reading glasses, I'm afraid. Reading glasses. Adding insult to injury. At least I don't have any gray hair yet, right? I'm sure it's coming, though. I know eventually I'll be ok with this whole AGE thing and maybe relocate my sense of humor. Not there yet... maybe tomorrow?
